he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
