This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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