I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
