I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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