I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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