If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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