Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
