I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
