I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
