some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
