the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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