Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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