Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's on the porch naked. Help.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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