I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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