the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
