Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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