walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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