I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
