A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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