Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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