I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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