Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
