Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
