she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
