I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's blow job season.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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