He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
