he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
