life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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