Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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