If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
