I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
