I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize