If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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