Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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