I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
