yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
