im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
