theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
