I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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