dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
