Please, let me fuck your mom
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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