Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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