you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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