this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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