I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
