respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ttyl tear gas
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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