Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
