My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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