We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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