totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize