there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
