life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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