he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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