So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
