i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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