so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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