i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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