I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
