i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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